I’ve noticed for a while now that the morning cup of coffee will spike up my blood sugars. It’s always really annoying because I love my morning cup of coffee and even if I try to give insulin for it, my sugars will still stay elevated for a good hour. Anyone with any type of diabetes knowledge is probably screaming at me now, telling me to pre-bolus. And you’re probably right, but it’s a learning curve and I didn’t do that this morning. Since I had my coffee, my sugars were a bit higher this morning. So I’m doing my homework and taking an online test and by mid-afternoon they were in a higher normal range, but I still wasn’t happy. Instead, for lunch, I gave extra insulin or what I call “anger insulin” and went jogging. First, I got mad because it was too high, now I’m mad because it’s too low. Will I ever win???
Ok probably… I know I’m being cynical. I just need to be smarter and not react based on emotion. That and I need to have patience. These two things are something, I’ve always struggled with. Diabetes forces me to work on these two traits. Also everything takes time to learn. I’m not perfect and will make mistakes. It still hasn’t even been a year and I’m trying new things and finding my way.
Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of low blood sugars at work, so lately I’ve been eating things like cookies or brownies that will raise me back up. Ugh bad idea! I think every diabetic goes through this too. In reality I should prevent these in the first place by lowering my basal or hourly rate of insulin. There’s no exact formula to do this because the amount of activity I do at work changes, but it’s a trial and error process. If I still go into a low, I should take my handy glucose tablets instead. I’ve decided to write a blog post about this, so that I can challenge myself and create an almost contract with myself.
This is the fun of diabetes. So many ups and downs. I know for myself, I want to be a like my friends and have some carb loaded food item whenever I want, but I know that’s just going to destroy my HbA1C and probably result in a lovely headache. On the other hand, I have to watch out for those lows, that kill brain cells, and could cause me to pass out and die. It’s the fun balance of trying to compensate for what my body should be doing naturally. *insert frustration here!*
I’ve said in another post that diabetes will always be there to remind me to stay on the right track and it’s probably time I listen again. OK diabetes, you are right, I’ll greatly reduce the amount of carbs I’m eating. I want a long happy life and submitting myself to the will of the monster is the best way to do that.
When I first got my Omnipod and Dexcom, I would wear them on my arms and when questioned about it, I used to get really nervous and scared. I’ve gotten much better though and am able to talk about it. While working at Starbucks one night, myself and few coworkers were already in a bad mood. We are closing in about 10 mins, had a line of people, and, of course, a few of our really annoying customers, who don’t get the hint that we are closing. So I’m making drinks and one of our regulars asks about it. Irritated, I explain it’s my insulin pump. About a min later another customer that we can’t stand, asks me if it’s a cancer patch. I tell her no, it’s an insulin pump. Granted I’m very short with her and acted like I didn’t want to talk about. It was more of the fact that she comes in right as we are closing and wants to have a full on discussion about it.
Yesterday, the same person I was short with came in. I took her order and she explained to me why she thought it was a cancer patch (which really doesn’t make sense). She didn’t apologize but I said “It’s OK. That was just a really rough night because we were closing and everyone seemed to be asking about it”. Her response, “Well, if you have long sleeves on, no one will ask”. Excuse me??? OK so first off, it’s uncomfortable to wear long sleeves when we are constantly cleaning and making drinks. Second, why should I cover it when you shouldn’t rudely ask in the first place? Third, if I did wear long sleeves, there is still a bulge under that sleeve that people will still question. I’m not opposed to questions either. I’m seeing it help me grow and allow me to talk about it. Yesterday, I was taking to one of our regulars He’s an older gentlemen and guessed that I had an insulin pump. He’s a type 2 diabetic. Out of habit, I asked if he wanted his coffee sweetened, and he responded with “Are you trying to kill me?”. After, we spent a good five minutes after taking about A1C’s and such. Maybe, I’m being too hard on that lady, but I already have to wear this armor and covering it so she doesn’t ask and rudely feel like it’s her right to get into my business, seems uncalled for. Telling me to cover it, just seems like I need to hide something from the world, like my diabetes shouldn’t be seen. I know that’s not how she meant it, but that’s how it feels.
Today’s one of those days where I just want diabetes to go away forever and leave me alone. I went jogging this morning so I didn’t give any insulin to cover breakfast. When I was getting ready for the day, my sugars were rising, so I gave a little bit of insulin. I’m driving in the car to my internship and all of a sudden I have this huge urge to cry for no real reason, so I look at my continuos glucose monitor, or Dexcom, and it says I’m at 270. My brain feels like “blahhh” and everything makes me want to cry. So the whole time I’m at my internship I just can’t formulate thoughts and feel nauseated. I actually stopped to get gas before arriving at my internship and throw up. Now I’m about to start a long shift with a stable 150 blood sugar (which I wish was lower) and I feel sick, like crying, my head hurts and I want to die. This is awful! Everyone at work is like why do you look so sad? I just don’t want to talk and just want to go to the gym or go home. And I’m stupid because I looked up the effects of high blood sugar on the brain and now feel like I’m killing myself and going to give myself Alzheimer’s or something. Ugh! #thanksdiabetes
For anyone diagnosed with any type of life treating medical illness, you take a minute and realize the importance of relationships and love. My favorite teacher back in middle school had written a blog. She unfortunately passed away from cancer, but on her blog she said if she could go back in time and do it all over again she would say the words “I love you” so much more. For myself reading that, I didn’t really listen to the advice and it purely disintegrated from my thoughts after reading. Now looking back, I realize how precious life really is. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not comparing my situation to her’s at all. She didn’t have medications that would sustain her life, as mine do. But, there is still that possibility of death. If I take too much insulin I could die and if I take too little I’ll cause complications creating problems in the future that could lead to death. This is extreme thinking, but it’s also a reality. In the beginning of my diagnosis, I struggled with this concept a lot. The internet was a scary place, but people with my condition are living into their 90’s and it’s not as bad as I had once feared and heard about (I hope…).
Now older, wiser and more mature, I feel I need to properly execute those words of wisdom. Growing up I said “I love you” to my parent but really no one else. When my best friend had started saying “love you”, I would respond with something like “ditto” or something really lame like “<3”. Eventually I would say “love ya girl” but the full “I love you” really never came out. I’ve known her for about 5 years now and only within the past year could I saw something like that. Originally, I thought of the word love as strictly for spouses and you were a lesbian if you said it to anyone else.
Recently some people have come into my life and have truly made an impact. One person, whom I consider to be part of my diabetes family, is shaping my life in such a positive way. I was talking with her in her kitchen and she complemented me so I responded in a mocking sarcastic way with “I frickin love you”. Again it wasn’t just those serious three words. She on the other hand was very serious and said “I love you too”. That’s truly when I remembered that teacher’s blog. The kindness of acquaintances and the importance of relationships had really struck me. I hardly knew this lady and she was so serious and yet so kind. Being on the receiving end, it’s nice to feel loved and connected to others.
Why don’t we as a society share our feelings to the world? Why is it those words are so uncomfortable to say? Are we afraid of rejection? Are we afraid we’ll come across as either a lesbian or gay when saying it to friends? Are we afraid people will take it the wrong way?
I think we need to say it more. We need these important relationships and others need to know how we feel about them and how important they are in our lives. It’s a hard thing to do at first but, like everything, gets easier with time. The world needs more love though, without it we become bitter and isolated. Relationships between old friends, new friends and family keep us afloat when times get rough. I’ve realized life is too short not to tell someone how much you care.
I love you and think you are special 🙂
Lately I’ve been trying to see the positives and grow and become stronger. I know it’s pretty obvious in some of my previous posts. I’ll eventually post some kind of rant on how diabetes sucks, but right now I’m feeling hopeful and positive. Upon my endless search for inspiration and strength, I ran into this really cool video that I thought I would share. This video is actually really cool and doesn’t just relate to people with Type 1 diabetes, but to anyone else with any type of medical issues that can feel like a set back. I was recently talking to an old friend and he’s been through so much! He has his own medical issues as well as family issues, so this post is dedicated to him.
Currently, I’m living with five guys. Oh goodness, right! It’s actually not that bad though. I recently moved in and only one person knew I had diabetes. About two days after I officially moved in, a whole box of Omnipods showed up for me with the word “Insulet” plastered largely for all to see. In addition, I had placed insulin in the fridge. They could see it anytime they opened the fridge and went scourging for food. I know in a previous post I mentioned how comments make me stronger, but it’s also nice to come home and not be questioned. These boys are so awesome and I’m so grateful because none of them questioned me or made it awkward. Thanks boys 🙂 By the way if any of you are reading this though, we could all defiantly work on keeping the house a little cleaner…
Before I was living in the college dorms and had one female roommate. Since I was diagnosed in September, she saw all the tears and breakdowns that came with it. She was truly supportive and cared. I felt/ feel awful that I had put her in such a depressing situation but, am so grateful she was my roommate. I have no clue on how any young college student would react to living with an emotionally distraught person.
People are really great out there and I believe we need to search for it. Search for all the positives around us and maybe create a list, so when you’re having that pity day you can refer to it. True, I’ve only had good experiences with roommates, but if you run into a bad one, move out. Don’t put yourself in such an unhealthy environment, it only harms yourself.
Hope everyone is having a beautiful day! Thanks for reading!